Love is in the Air... Or is it?

So with February rolling in you have probably noticed shops adorned with red hearts, chocolate and glitter. This can leave you feeling either loved up or make you want to vomit and declare singledom forever!

With Valentines Day round the corner this is the perfect time to reflect upon our relationships and interpersonal connections with those around us. The relationships we have as adults are more often than not based on the relationships we had with our parents or caregivers when we were children. In fact, research has indicated that a strong bond in the early years is paramount for later happiness and wellbeing in adulthood.

The way our caregivers interacted with us when we were infants was crucial to the development of our attachment type as adults. A child is solely dependent on their caregiver and requires a soothing and comforting environment in order for their needs to be met. A child who experiences this, is likely to develop a secure attachment style. When caregivers are inconsistent with these needs the child can develop an insecure attachment.

There are 4 main attachment types:

1. Secure

Insecure attachments:

2. Anxious-preoccupied

3. Avoidant

4. Disorganised

Secure

As children, those with a secure attachment typically had caregivers who were attune to their physical and emotional needs. Adults with a secure attachment feel that they are able to rely on their partners. Some characteristics of people with a secure attachment include high self-esteem and an ability share their feelings and needs with others.

Anxious- Preoccupied

This attachment style can develop when a caregiver is inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs. As an adult, someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style may have an intense fear of abandonment, they are highly sensitive to the rejection of others and often have a low self esteem. In relationships, someone with this attachment style may notice they are constantly worrying that their partner may leave them, they do not communicate their needs for the fear of being rejected, they may be overly dependant in their relationships and have the need to please and gain approval from others.

Avoidant

This attachment style can develop in children when a caregiver is not responsive to the child’s needs, as a result the child learns that they need to be independent to care for their own needs as they believe they cannot rely on others. As adults, typical characteristics of people with an avoidant attachment style can include: difficultly showing their emotions and feeling uncomfortable with emotional or physical intimacy. They feel that their partners are too “clingy” and as a result may pull away from relationships when they notice this. Sometimes, people with an avoidant attachment may be described as cold and distant in relationships, this is not because they are a bad person, but instead is related to their early years when their caregivers did not respond to their needs as children and as a result developed the need to be solely independent in all situations.

Disorganised

Those who have a disorganised attachment style may have had caregivers who were extremely inconsistent and contrasting in meeting their needs. They may have also experienced neglect or abuse. As children, these people would have experienced a sense of fear and uncertainty within the environment that was meant to be safe. With this unpredictable environment children with disorganised attachment will struggle to identify how to get their needs met and feel very confused. Adults who have a disorganised attachment often have chaotic or unpredictable relationships, they may have a need for closeness but at the same time push their partners away to protect themselves from being hurt.

Having an anxious-preoccupied, avoidant or disorganised attachment can have an impact on romantic relationships. Being aware of some of the patterns you may be falling into is a helpful way to identify what may be impacting the relationships around you and learning ways to start to change these behaviours which may maintain these patterns.

Therapy can help you work towards developing a secure attachment through ways such as effective communication, expressing your emotional needs, becoming more assertive and learning to self-soothe.